


in the quiet

by hilway



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Bobjun - Freeform, Bottom Junhoe, Break Up, Emotional Hurt, Implied Smut, Junbobficsparty2019, M/M, Top Bobby, i didnt proofread that much sorry huhu, junbob, just like my other fics hjshsfh, lapslock, mentions of yunhyeong, this is going to be vague
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-26 19:07:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17751743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hilway/pseuds/hilway
Summary: both jiwon and junhoe had their fair share of goodbyes and it just happened that it’s always been spoken in silence.





	in the quiet

**Author's Note:**

> this fic will probably not make sense but... i don't know. haha.
> 
> disclaimer for all the incorrect grammar and run-on sentences, english isn't my first language. ✌
> 
> yay #JunBobFicsParty2019!

this is how they said their fifth goodbye.

in the quiet room, the two of them are lying on the bed, facing each other. jiwon tries to look for something in junhoe’s eyes. in the stillness, he reaches for junhoe’s hand, trying to find the spaces between the younger’s fingers just like how he has been constantly searching for his place in junhoe’s life. he figured after so many years, he didn’t have to try as much. if junhoe had wanted him to be in his life since the beginning, he wouldn’t feel this way, and things will not end up like this.

somehow, he thought he was thankful. they’re ending this without throwing things and shouting, and the best of all: upon mutual understanding. they were just waiting to finally bring out the words to cut the line connecting them, it’s just the question on who snips first. but none of them wanted to initiate the conversation.

even before they become official, he believed there’s this kind of aura surrounding them, like magic. like an invisible force, a cross between destiny and soulmates. an unspoken thing.

“unspoken thing? dear god, jiwon hyung. stop pulling off a peter quill on junhoe,” donghyuk looked at him like he was a stranger when he first shared the way he felt with junhoe. donghyuk even advised him to sort this out, because if it happens to be something real, it speaks on its own.

“hey, donghyuk! isn’t that exactly what it’s supposed to mean? it doesn’t have to... you know, talk. an unspoken thing that speaks on its own,” jiwon called donghyuk before they part ways, and the latter just shook his head. he heard some faint shout at the distance, “i said you’re not quill and he ain’t gamora!”

he thought this was the problem. he and junhoe rarely talked. they do but most of the time, they talk in bed. other than moans and soft grunts, leaving trails on the shoulder blades of one another, and locking lips — jiwon realized this kind of things are the only ones which housed their conversations.

junhoe looked at the fingers trying to reach for his hands tucked under his head. he always has this kind of habit, some habit which involves avoiding jiwon’s eyes.

“can you even see me?” one time, jiwon asked him this and he felt he didn’t understand. the older was standing right in front of him, his presence intends to be known. he tried to look at jiwon’s sneakers at first, up to his ankles, and the words before his knees. he stares at the elder’s hands, veins painfully visible on his wrists. although his hands seemed coarse because of work, he knows it will soften under his touch. just like exactly how his whole existence happened to be when he is with jiwon.

how can he say that? of course, he can see jiwon. it’s not like he was blind, and not that the older is invisible.

junhoe nods at jiwon, but his gaze was averted somewhere. like pointed towards jiwon’s neck where he finds himself most nights, or in the older’s crooked smile, but never his eyes. yet junhoe still insists that he sees him anyway and jiwon understands, tried his very best to do so even until now.

tonight, he remembers this question and just when jiwon clasped his fingers onto his own, he finally looks at him.

“jiwon hyung...” junhoe realized that since things will end here, he better ask.

“hmm?” jiwon’s voice was about to break and he heard it even if he didn’t speak a whole damn sentence. the elder never broke his stare when he looks at him but this time, he does. jiwon looked away, so junhoe brushes his own fingers against the older's.

it caused a lump on his own throat.

“you remember that one time when you asked me...if i can see you? what—what does it mean?” junhoe barely made it to the last word.

the elder’s gaze was now fixed on the ceiling. it took him a couple of minutes before he was finally able to answer.

“it’s just that... i don’t know. i don’t really know why i said that,” jiwon paused again for a long time. “i guess i became insecure. i’d always thought you never looked at me, not even once. does that even make sense?” there was something broken in the elder’s chuckle.

“that’s not true,” junhoe murmurs, forcing a gentle grip on the elder’s index.

jiwon’s eyes flutter on this gesture. “what i mean to say is,” his voice faints and now barely audible, “i—i, mean, i’m so sorry. i can’t answer this right now, baby. maybe i’m just really insecure.”

_it rings to junhoe’s ears._

 

* * *

  

“i quit.”

the third time is when junhoe finally tells jiwon this. the elder buried himself on the younger's neck, trying to inhale his scent. it reminds him of the galaxies he saw in junhoe's eyes earlier just before their release. junhoe was hot under him, the kindling type. warm, as how they would put it. but jiwon does not agree, he thinks junhoe is made out of cosmic things, like the stars. more than warm but also so far away.

and cold.

he heard it. he heard junhoe quitting, and they weren’t even in the play. it was their safe word whenever they like to heat things up, whenever they like to make something rough. but jiwon hears this after he made love to him.

“give me a minute,” he removes himself from junhoe and lies beside him, panting.

“all this time i thought our bed was a place for us to make sense out of love, but love didn’t make it here,” jiwon really make good use of his minute before spewing out his words.

junhoe faced the other side. he doesn't have to hear what bobby is saying. and neither does bobby need to hear him sobbing in the middle of the night.

in the morning, he'll embark on his way home. he'll probably leave most of his things here. he can't afford something that reminds him of the elder.

in the morning, he'll pick up his clothes and go.

in the morning, it didn't happen.

_in the morning, he was still there._

* * *

 

junhoe has always been loud but ever since their relationship, something has changed, and jiwon knows this.

he also knows junhoe has always been good with words, except on how to speak them. jiwon understands.

he realized this one time when he was waiting for junhoe at the restaurant so they can have dinner together.

he sees junhoe from the window, approaching the building. his eyes were all lit up, and his signature gummy smile was plastered all over his face.

for him, junhoe was a spring of light but he felt that he took it away.

and so their fourth goodbye happened to be like this.

jiwon finds himself in the pub at seven fucking o'clock in the fucking evening. first, it was just beer. an hour later, few more beers and something hard to tone down the rocks forming in his throat. both junhoe and jiwon are casual drinkers but they rarely got drunk. he can't even remember the time they got drunk (senselessly, as jiwon would always argue who would be sober enough to drive them home) together, damn what kind of relationship is this?

"jiwon hyung," three hours later he thinks he's seeing junhoe's apparition. jiwon narrows his eyes, points at the figure even with his drink at hand.

"damn, you look like the love of my life, don't you?" jiwon laughs and junhoe would have smiled if it hadn't been followed by a sob.

"let's go home," junhoe snakes his arm around the elder. the situation's different, it was a bank of first times. jiwon doesn't really let himself to appear vulnerable in front of junhoe.

he saw the elder cried a few times all right.

one when his father died, and the other time when his cat died.

all deaths.

"home? that's funny!" there goes the elder's laugh again, there's a pang in junhoe's chest whenever he hears it tonight. "home? i might as well be homeless after this."

"hyung, you're drunk. come on, i'll take you home," he put cash on the counter and gave thanks to the bartender. jiwon didn't even budge.

"junhoe," jiwon calls him. the elder tries to fix his gaze properly to meet junhoe's stare, but the influence of alcohol is taking over him.

"junhoe," jiwon calls him again.

jiwon called for a couple of times before the elder stopped. it was when jiwon finally caught his gaze.

"hmm?"

"listen to me, and listen carefully," the older took a deep breath before he started speaking.

“koo junhoe, i want you to know that i don't deserve you."

junhoe draws a sharp breath. he wanted to say  _what the fuck are you talking about, hyung? shut the fuck up, let's go home._

"i’m a black hole. if we don't stop this now, you'll run out of...  _everything._ you'll burn out. but god knows i can’t quit. i just can’t," he shakes his head. he stops for a brief moment before he continues. 

junhoe didn't know if he'll be thankful that they're in the corner of the counter. the bartender didn't seem to mind. but to hell with people, junhoe doesn't really give a fuck. he just want to go home with jiwon and stop all of this before the hurt consumes him... consumes them.

"at the same time, i also can’t see you suffering being so unhappy with me. if it were only to me, i’d keep you. goddamn, i would,” water runs down from his eyes. jiwon sniffs, and he tries brushing a tear but junhoe’s hand was already there.

"don't, hyung, don't... say that," he falters at the last part but he managed to say it. he hopes jiwon heard it.

suddenly it was a waterfall. kim jiwon was crying in front of him, a fucking mess. but jiwon never cared anyway. he took junhoe’s hand and the other, and brought them to his lips. he let himself cry momentarily.

“but junhoe, you know that it’s not up to me anymore, right? ever since you came to my life, it’s all you. all of me became you. that’s toxic and i don’t want that for you. no, you don't deserve any of that," he sniffs. lips still at junhoe's hands while he covers them with his own.

“i always wanted for this relationship to be a place where we can grow together, but... i am a such a sinker, right?” he lets out a loud curse after telling him all these.

"god also knows how much i'd trade the whole world just for us to remain together. god sure knows everything. and god also knows if i can trade more worlds other than ours, i would. but that's... that's not love. it's supposed to be liberating. free," there was an attempt to smile but jiwon barely made it. junhoe looks up, he tries his best not to let his tears fall. "free, like the you before me," jiwon pressed his lips to the younger's hands before finally letting them go.

"i phoned hanbin while you were paying the bill. he'll take you home. you can sleep there. it's empty without you. i wouldn't be able to make through the night if i sleep there. it's always been yours," jiwon stood up from his seat and took his steps away.

"no. jiwon hyung, please," he wished jiwon could hear him now. his words are muffled between his sobs.

hanbin comes to him a few minutes later, but he didn't want to come home with him. he didn' t want to go to that building without his jiwon hyung. so hanbin phones jiwon, now all sober. hanbin told him they'll fetch jiwon so the two of them can go home together but he doesn't want to believe hanbin. he was silent the whole time.

"jiwon hyung, junhoe wouldn't believe me. i swear to god, what will i do with you two?" hanbin hands him the phone after that.

"junhoe... we talked about this. please don't make it hard for the both of us," but junhoe is stubborn, yet at the same time, all he can say is no. and no. and no.

"are you sure you want me to stay with you?" junhoe nods albeit knowing jiwon doesn't see him. hanbin sees him and muttered something. _is he drunk too?_ hanbin mouthed at the bartender, the latter shook his head.  _just acting dumb?_ hanbin muttered at himself.

_junhoe doesn't care. "come home to me hyung," junhoe drew a long breath afterwards._

 

* * *

 

in the essence, this was the first goodbye, but only in which one party is aware of. it was four years prior to their official relationship.

junhoe looks from his window, drawing his curtains in the minimum width as possible.

he sees his neighbor putting his luggage and two more bags on their pick-up. _kim jiwon hyung._ this same old car witnessed how they smiled on each other lips. how they tasted the youth of one another.

jiwon looks up at the younger's room, probably hoping to see junhoe... probably hoping even just for a glimpse before he go.

junhoe drew the curtains down as fast as he could.

he turned away from the window.

_take care, kim jiwon hyung._

 

* * *

 

jiwon looks down after their take-off. this is his first time to ride an airplane. the kid behind him is excited, it seemed like he wanted to peep on the window too.

he was waiting until it was just sea of clouds but he guessed he could look down now. he sees it, buildings and houses. trees, roads, and bodies of water.

somewhere in that vast space was their city. in their city, their village. in their village, two houses facing each other.

in those houses, there's only one person he has ever called home.

he bid his own farewell too.

_this was the second time._

 

* * *

 

this is probably their last goodbye. it took them five attempts to finally end it.

 _baby._ it still rings to junhoe's ears.

his hand reaches for jiwon's face. he wanted to savor everything. the line of jiwon's jaw, his lips, his crooked teeth, the bridge of his nose, the creases in his eyebrows... everything. and the pool of ocean in his eyes, of course. he'd always drown in them, he just can't put in into words. or maybe he can. he was just not able to do it.

"hyung," he took a heavy sigh. jiwon softly cursed under his breath, he tries his best to smile at the younger. few more minutes and he know he'll break. always and always, in the hands of koo junhoe.

"i want you to know that i can see you. i can see you, the entirety of you. i just can't... i know the words, i just don't know how to make them reach you," it was in a very low voice, jiwon would have barely caught it. junhoe tries his best not to break away from the stare.

"i see you, hyung. you were just probably not looking," he wore his smile like a mask. otherwise, junhoe would also break and he doesn't want that anymore.

he tapped jiwon's face lightly. "who knows i'll finally be a talker. it just took two of us to have this mutual decision. but the question is, do we really want this?" junhoe was asking himself too. can they finally last without each other? and so jiwon gathered the younger in his arms. he brushed junhoe's hair, and on the middle of his forehead, he puts his lips for a couple of minutes. for him --- a long, long time.

both of them stayed in the arms of one another for an hour, or maybe longer than that. and jiwon just wished the universe would allow them.  _just give me this. please, just give me this moment._

junhoe wished he doesn't have to leave. but this isn't his place, and he can't even consider jiwon is no longer his home. junhoe tapped the elder's shoulder.

"it's time for me to go," he sniffs.

"and off you go. are you sure you don't want to stay the night?" the elder asks him but he refused. who knows they might not make it again in the morning.

before he closed the door, junhoe pointed at one box.

"uh, i'll have my things picked up. probably by yunhyeong hyung? he'll be my room mate. just a reminder though, uh... this box? you see that blue one? it stays here. open it when i'm gone, yeah?" he left the room with the brightest smile he could give. he wonders how jiwon thought he took the light away from him when it's all he had ever given him. maybe he gave too much, or he gave too little.

it took jiwon a week before he finally opened the box.

on the top of the box, there was a paper in three folds. it was addressed to him. he opens the letter with shaking hands.

_kim jiwon hyung._

he reads the letter.

_dearest kim jiwon hyung,_

_first, you must know that i don't even have the faintest idea why i am writing this. it's not like i'm preparing for a break-up. it's the exactly the opposite of that._

_well, you see... i know i don't talk that much when in reality, i do. i have so much to say, countless of words will probably be put in shame when they figured out how much my mouth is itching to breathe words whenever i think of you. or whenever i see you. or whenever i feel you. or whenever you make me feel loved. or whenever i feel you are sad, happy, angry, and all things in between. of whenever we are together, all those times._

_so i do it in my own way. the best way i think i know how. i had written so many poems about life. sometimes about drinking, sometimes about the stars. a lot about the sea... and the ocean. but most of it, about you. all the things i wanted to say when i couldn't bring myself to say it, they're all here._

_i wish you read all of these. no pressure, i just wanted you to know... i just... wanted you to know._

_i'm sorry it took us a goodbye just for me to tell you everything._

_there is a love in the world that i only specifically feel for you that sometimes letters cannot decode it, and the tongue is unable to process._

_but i tried. you tried. we tried._

_how i wish we kept on trying._

_second, don't think it's entirely your fault. it's not. i know, partly, it was mine. it was my fault thinking actions were enough. i failed to see that even the things i have done appeared vague to you. i failed to make my point across. some waves fail to reach the shore, don't you think? does this make sense to you?_

_we do not say things about love that much, but i hope you know what i feel about you._

_be well always_

_koo junhoe_

he looks at the box.

inside of it, about a hundred envelopes with the letters  _for kim jiwon._

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if it's quite vague.
> 
> also, i was listening to stubborn love by the lumineers when i wrote this a few weeks ago.
> 
> i think it was made for junbob (well, except for the cheating part, but try listening to it).


End file.
